it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

2007 in 12:

1. i mourned the loss of my best pal, bailey

2. visited the motherland

3. i got alcohol poisoning in tahoe. i also had the time of my life.

4. fuck valentines day

5. my mama got really, really sick.

6. i lead a team of 30 to, uhh, non-victory...but i did the leading. and i learned a lot.

7. psychology b.a., business administration, b.s. <--i earned 'em.

8. i turned 22.

9. summer travel [napa, hawaii, seattle, tennessee, chicago]

10. i moved to los angeles and joined the working world

11. i bought my first car. on my own!

12. first holiday partay, haha



my pal h_balls says, "2008 is going to a be a good year, i can feel it."

i hope he's on to something.

lemme lemme upgrade you

hey direct tv, way to mesmerize and confuse folks at the same time!




every time this promo ad comes on while i'm watching tv with other people, it is inevitable that one or more people in the group will comment on it:

"wow, she can really move"
"is she really talking while she's doing this?"
"why would a big star like beyonce be a spokesperson for direct tv?"
"do you think the talking part is computer-animated?"
"damn she looks good"
"woah there, GOLDmember"
"what was that ad even about?"

i don't even know where i'm going with this.
it's late. so late that Showtime at the Apollo (wtf is this show about anyway?) is on.

all i know is people from all walks of life are drawn to this ad and baffled by it. i wonder if it's serving its purpose.


* * *

so as you can see, le "blog" has also undergone (underwent?) an upgrade.
an upgrade to a color scheme i like to call "puke-tastic."

if only i had some html skillz, or whatever skillz are required to make this thing look boss, i'd blow you away with my creativity. too bad i don't...but it's on the resolution 2008 list, i swear. so until i acquire said skillz, i apologize.

last night

i spent time with an old friend. arguably one of my best friends, but someone i hadn't seen in over 6 months. and at that time, i hadn't seen him in over a year. and at that time, i hadn't spoken to him in over 3 years.

i said, "it seems like forever since we were in high school"
he said, "when i'm with you, it feels like it was yesterday"

that was unsettling. i kept thinking about it the rest of the night...we talked for 6 hours straight, about everything we possibly could talk about, and that was the only thing that bothered me.

i guess it's because in my mind, i've changed. big time. i feel like the last 4 years of my life have completely transformed me.
for one, i curse like a sailor now. then there's that s.kitten thing. i also came back an alcoholic. i also came back 10 lbs heavier because i became an alcoholic.

then there are the things i stopped doing. like music. and reading. and dance.
ooh dance, that one kills me.
as much as i've let myself down by not continuing dance, i feel like i've let others around me down even more.
like my pal. he thought the sole reason I’d move back to LA would be to continue dance. in fact, he was actually sad that i hadn't kept up.

"you were at your happiest when you talked about your dance," he said. "your whole face would light up."

i remember that feeling. and how much dress rehearsals were like my drug. and it kind of bums me out that my college and post-college friends never met that me. the one who's life revolved around dance and performing arts. the one who was actually passionate about something.

i was complaining last night, because he's the only one who really listens. and i basically told him that i'm in a rut. i've come to the realization that if money is supposed to be the incentive for pushing myself and doing well in the working world, i'm not going to succeed. so we discussed my options.

one is to look for happiness and interests outside of work. this is easily found, but very difficult to keep up. i know that continuing dance would be a BIG step in the right direction. but getting the time to make rehearsals in oc, perform on weekends, and continually work out is impossible in my line of work. something would have to give. and that something would be time with friends, and definitely sleep. It might be worth it.

one is to take a detour. to step off the beaten path and try something unrelated to the corporate grind. that's easier said than done. moving to LA, and not knowing anyone has been TOUGH. much harder than i thought, and i'm a pretty social, easy-going person. if anyone can make friends, i can. i’m just having a real hard time finding them. and to pick up and move somewhere i really don't know anyone or go into a field where i have no contacts...big risk. but no risk, no reward, i guess. so if I’m still bored in a year…who knows.

one is to suck it up.

So at least I know now that I have options, and I don’t have to sit around and blame life for being ambiguously shitty. Seriously, for the last month I’ve been feeling really down, and without a clue as to why. And that’s not like me.

But then he showed up, and I talked. And even though he did a good job listening, I finally heard myself.

I’m lonely
I’m bored
It happens sometimes.

And I probably won’t see him again for another 6 months.

omfg

jan 8th.

they're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

*and season 1&2 comes out on dvd.

if you know me

and you love me

buy me this.

welcome to the good life

Day in, day out, I work. I hang out with pals. I chill at home. I've pretty much got the routine thing down.

But sometimes....sometimes I take a second to take a look at my surroundings.

And then it hits me. I live here! I live in the City of Angels. In the heart of Los Angeles.

--it hits me when i'm in the office, and I take a walk to pick up something from the printer and I see the hollywood hills roll up on my left, and the beautiful ocean to my right.

--it hits me when i drive to the store, and i cross the streets people write songs about. Hollywood; Pico; Olympic; Sunset, Wilshire.

--it hits me when i'm sprawled on the floor of my candle-lit equinox studio class, allowing "Mysty," the yoga-pilates-core master help me find my so-called inner chi.

--it hits me when i get all dressed up and go to swanky places like the Skybar and the Standard. it also hits me when i am NOT let into the swanky places.

--it hits me when most of the cars in my parking lot are bentleys, jaguars, and rolls'.

--it hits me when i eat pinkberry. everyday.

it's kind of crazy to think that people all over the country, and world even, move here everyday to make it big. Like somehow, this place is going to help them realize all their dreams. Part of me misses SF more than I can possibly explain in words. LA is pretentious. LA is smoggy. LA has a hell of a lot of traffic. LA is no San Francisco.

But part of me is excited about being an official Angeleno. I'm excited about someday telling my kids and grandkids about my young adult life in LA, and hopefully, in some way or the other, about how I made it big here too.

GPITFAD.

I'm in an "everyone can jump off a cliff" mood.
Mad at the world. Mad at myself. Out of nowhere...though it could be because i'm starting to experience what being in a rut feels like. it blows. life sucks. the end.



totally unrelated: it's the parental units' 25th anniversary today. god damn. this means:
1) i am old.
2) they are OLD.
3) they are another year closer to retirement [strangling eachother].


ok back to being pissed off. I think i'm actually going to work out and hope that the endorphins make me feel better. i miss rob & big.