last night

i spent time with an old friend. arguably one of my best friends, but someone i hadn't seen in over 6 months. and at that time, i hadn't seen him in over a year. and at that time, i hadn't spoken to him in over 3 years.

i said, "it seems like forever since we were in high school"
he said, "when i'm with you, it feels like it was yesterday"

that was unsettling. i kept thinking about it the rest of the night...we talked for 6 hours straight, about everything we possibly could talk about, and that was the only thing that bothered me.

i guess it's because in my mind, i've changed. big time. i feel like the last 4 years of my life have completely transformed me.
for one, i curse like a sailor now. then there's that s.kitten thing. i also came back an alcoholic. i also came back 10 lbs heavier because i became an alcoholic.

then there are the things i stopped doing. like music. and reading. and dance.
ooh dance, that one kills me.
as much as i've let myself down by not continuing dance, i feel like i've let others around me down even more.
like my pal. he thought the sole reason I’d move back to LA would be to continue dance. in fact, he was actually sad that i hadn't kept up.

"you were at your happiest when you talked about your dance," he said. "your whole face would light up."

i remember that feeling. and how much dress rehearsals were like my drug. and it kind of bums me out that my college and post-college friends never met that me. the one who's life revolved around dance and performing arts. the one who was actually passionate about something.

i was complaining last night, because he's the only one who really listens. and i basically told him that i'm in a rut. i've come to the realization that if money is supposed to be the incentive for pushing myself and doing well in the working world, i'm not going to succeed. so we discussed my options.

one is to look for happiness and interests outside of work. this is easily found, but very difficult to keep up. i know that continuing dance would be a BIG step in the right direction. but getting the time to make rehearsals in oc, perform on weekends, and continually work out is impossible in my line of work. something would have to give. and that something would be time with friends, and definitely sleep. It might be worth it.

one is to take a detour. to step off the beaten path and try something unrelated to the corporate grind. that's easier said than done. moving to LA, and not knowing anyone has been TOUGH. much harder than i thought, and i'm a pretty social, easy-going person. if anyone can make friends, i can. i’m just having a real hard time finding them. and to pick up and move somewhere i really don't know anyone or go into a field where i have no contacts...big risk. but no risk, no reward, i guess. so if I’m still bored in a year…who knows.

one is to suck it up.

So at least I know now that I have options, and I don’t have to sit around and blame life for being ambiguously shitty. Seriously, for the last month I’ve been feeling really down, and without a clue as to why. And that’s not like me.

But then he showed up, and I talked. And even though he did a good job listening, I finally heard myself.

I’m lonely
I’m bored
It happens sometimes.

And I probably won’t see him again for another 6 months.